Sunday, 27 November 2011

5-Things As Good As "Jesus Christ in Richmond Park"

I grew up in Richmond and have spent many happy hours playing, walking and cycling in Richmond Park. It is a centuries-old deer park and a place of sanctuary and beauty at all times of the year. The deer are a curious addition, generally content to be left alone, though cycling through at night you will often encounter herds of them on the road, their eerie silhouettes punctuated by reflective eyes, glowing in your headlights. The park welcomes all sorts of people, the old, the young, the disabled, the not-yet-disabled, intellectuals and, yes, downright idiots who are free to gambol within its borders. It therefore came as little surprise to me to see this video of a courageous canine called Fenton (no, it's clearly not "Benton" and I refuse to get into an argument about this) on Facebook. Arrogant dog owners whose pets can do no wrong are always letting their little devils off the leash to bother the wildlife of the park, so my reaction to the video was light dispair, but no more.

It did, however, come as a shock to me to see this video being portrayed by mainstream media as one of the best things off of that internet, with The Guardian , HIGNFY & The Now Show  all enraptured by this utterly unremarkable clip.  I'm not sure what combination of magic things this video has, but I'm guessing that middle-aged man shouting + animals + cars + out of control situation = COMEDY GOLD.  Therefore I present 5 of my hot and steaming ideas for this format:

1)  Downton Abbey - An Unseemly Occasion:
Elisabeth got dressed quickly that morning, leaving a little bit of ankle showing.  This distracts a randy cart driver, whose vehicle overturns, releasing all of the caged parrots inside.  In the ensuing confusion,  whilst he trys to recapture them, the parrots reveal scandalous truths about the Lord Mayor of Downton.

2)  Prime Ministers' Questions WILD:
PMQs are held in a safari park with each of the two main parties bellowing arguments at each other from their battle-buses.  The debate ends when a naughty monkey steals the windscreen-wipers from Nick Clegg's Vauxhall Astra.

3)  Top Gear - Hamsters to Hamburg:  
Jeremy Clarkson decides that he wants to one-up Richard "The Hamster" Hammond by driving in a hamster to Hamburg with a construction montage showing him carefully attaching an engine, wheels and license-plate to the unfortunate creature.  Sadly his journey ends in Dover, when the hamster overheats, at which point a frustrated Clarkson bellows at its tiny red face.

4)  The Extinction Factor:
10 of the world's most endangered animals must perform tricks for the judges, whilst Simon Cowell slags them off for their poor adaptibility to a changing environment.  Will The Pandas' cover of "So Lonely" by The Police save them, or will they be pipped by the audience-friendly urban-dance stylings of the Leatherback Sea Turtle?

5)  How I Met Your Plover:
A heart-warming sit-com about the ups and downs of a man driving across America, looking for love, before meeting the sea-faring wading-bird of his dreams.

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